Out of the 6 years we’ve been a foster family, we have always had a child with us over the Christmas holiday, and people are often curious how that looks. Obviously every family is different, but for us, we do Christmas for our foster child exactly the same as any other child in our home. This means we may have to adjust the budget for each child, but it gets adjusted equally across the board. That said, it can be a bit of a challenge when we get a new placement close to the holiday, so we have learned to make a plan for that ahead of time. We also have a really amazing “village”, and that goes a long way in making Christmas as positive an experience as possible while a child is in our care.
We also do Christmas completely differently for our foster children. Christmas is a really challenging time for children in foster care. The entire holiday is centered around family and togetherness, both things your foster child has lost. Being mindful of this is going to go a long way to helping them get through a season that is jam packed full of triggers, overstimulation, grief, helplessness … all really overwhelming things for a young child to carry while being expected to “be thankful”. With that in mind, here are a few tips to help you navigate the holiday with your foster child.
4 quick tips to help your foster child feel more comfortable celebrating with your family
- Communicate the schedule beforehand
The number one most helpful thing for us has been to make sure your child knows what to expect. Give them plenty of time to process the plan. If you’ve got a school aged child, write down the schedule for them. If you’ve got a toddler or preschooler, make a picture chart. Give a quick run down verbally, and have a copy available for them to keep. This will look different at different ages. For an older child you can give a pretty detailed run down. For a toddler, we try to keep the information to about 3 points. “First we have breakfast, then we open presents, then we go to gram’s. Let’s both remember, breakfast, presents, gram’s” If you need to set a new set of expectations once you get to grams house, that works too. “Ok. We are headed to Gram’s house. Once we get there, we will have lunch, then we’ll open presents, then we’ll play. So lunch, presents, play”. If there are parts of the schedule that can be adjusted, let them know where there’s some flexibility. Let’s say you’re planning on staying at Aunt Sue’s house until 3pm, but your foster child would like to leave at 2:30. Is there room to compromise? Letting them have some control is going to earn you some trust points. Let’s say you’re planning on staying at Aunt Sue’s house till 3pm but your toddler is having a complete meltdown by 2pm. Can you leave a little early and give your child a break from mingling with strangers?
- Make sure your family/friends are on the same page
Communication with your family/friends will also go a long way in making your Christmas celebrations more enjoyable. Communicating ahead of time any information you can about what may make your child most comfortable will make the day more pleasant for everyone. What are the food expectations? Can we let manners slide a little for a day? What if a particular family tradition is a trigger for a traumatic experience for your foster child? Give your family a heads up before you get there if they need to let the “everyone has to try at least one bite” rule slide for one day. We have plenty of other days to teach healthy eating habits. We had a 3 year old placement who had experienced domestic violence so severely that she would frantically scream anytime she was aware of a man’s presence. We had to establish “girls only” spaces for her for a while. What can you and your family work out to help your child feel more comfortable.
- Include your child’s biological family in your day if possible
This can be as simple as a phone call or sending some pictures, maybe find out what some of their traditions are and try to include them in your day. Or even meeting up a day before or after your family events. Even if you don’t care about how their parents feel (but honestly, imagine your child being removed from your home and sent to live with strangers) it may make your child feel accepted to have their family included. There are obviously cases that are unsafe to maintain contact outside of DCFS supervision, and in those situations you would definitely not want to put you or your child at risk, but we have also had families that we have been blessed with the opportunity to stay connected with even after a child has been reunited, and that was because we worked to establish good terms from the beginning.
- Accept that the day may not be fun for them.
Be willing to consider making it through the day a win. Maybe they weren’t bubbling with joy all day, but they did their very best to participate and use good manners. Even if things weren’t perfect, make sure they know you noticed when they made an effort. “Hey I know you don’t like green beans. Thanks for not complaining when Uncle Bill put some on your plate, and I’m glad you didn’t feel like you had to eat them just because they were served.” Plan some down time the next day if you can to let them recuperate. Your child will have spent a lot of emotional energy surviving and will very likely need lots of rest and some space to have big emotions. (Let’s be honest, you will too!) Even infants are going to feel the hit of holiday dysregulation. Their schedule will be readjusted, they will have lots of new faces to see, and they have little tools to communicate their needs. Expect them to need some time to recuperate as well.
The big take away here is to communicate and be flexible. Your foster child is being expected to celebrate in the middle of their crisis. That’s a big ask. We can take steps that make the day easier for them to navigate, and maybe even a little fun, but it is also entirely possible that your child will be overwhelmed, overstimulated, and completely dysregulated. This is not a failure on your part. It’s really hard to not take it personally when your child lashes out, but remember that you are their safe space. Preparing ahead of time for your child to trigger you will go a long way in helping you stay regulated as a parent, and hopefully leave you available to share some of that regulation with them when they are having a hard time.
I love answering questions about foster care and sharing ideas from other foster parents. If you have any questions about the holidays with foster children, or have ideas to share about how your family makes it through, let me know in the comments!