I get tons of questions about foster care and how it works for our family, but foster care is such a unique experience, I wanted to get a couple of my foster parent friends perspective as well. I posted a question box a few weeks ago to see what you guys wanted to know and these were the most asked questions.
Do I have to take the children to their parent visits and other appointments? Do I have to attend their appointments and visits?
Jess: The short answer is, no, you don’t *have* to attend or provide transportation to your child’s appointments and visits. However, it is very beneficial if you do, for a number of reasons. You’ll miss out on lots of valuable information regarding your child’s care if you aren’t present when possible, but it’s also a great way to bond with your child and show that you are willing to be present and supportive. Attending parent visits was one of the things I was more apprehensive about as a new foster parent, but the reality of the situation is that they are human beings who have been dealt some bad cards and/or made some poor choices. Having someone in their corner is often a new experience for them and I have seen peoples’ lives completely turn around after learning new skills and being connected with resources. Restoring families is the primary goal of foster care, and your presence is a huge help. Your worker will assume that you’ll be attending and providing transportation for your child unless you request otherwise, or unless you’ve been specifically instructed to not attend.
Destiney: The visits with parents are mandatory and aid in the reunification process. If you are not comfortable, you can always request caseworker supervision. Do I have to attend their appointments and visits? While the child is in your care, doctor visits, school conferences, etc would be the foster parent’s responsibility.
Elizabeth: It is helpful for you to go and be involved as much as possible. Arrangements can be made by the state to help you help out if needed but in my experience I like to go. The state does refund you for mileage put on your car and if you have a child that has weekly appointments you can talk to your caseworker about getting special board for that child.
What would you say is the hardest part about foster parenting?
Jess: There’s lots of things that are hard about being a foster family, but I think the hardest thing I have experienced as a foster parent is requesting that a sibling set be moved from my home and into a different foster home. There’s a lot of reasons why it may have been the right choice, and plenty of reasons it may have been the wrong choice, but we do the best we can with what is available to us at the time and we just have to live at peace with that. I’ll always wonder about those kids and how it made them feel to have been moved. I wish I would have had a better version of myself to give to them.
Destiney: In our experience, discipline has been an obstacle. Children come from a vast array of backgrounds and take some time to adjust to a new environment.
Elizabeth: Wow, this is hard. This is a hard calling. Foster care isn’t for the faint of heart. There is so much sorrow when you actually step into the brokenness these children have experienced from the fear they have of you to the triggers they experience in every day life, but for me the greatest sorrow has come from seeing others in the system who have failed to adequately advocate for these children safety whether it’s due to burnout, inexperience (because the turnover rate it astronomical), or red tape (because so much paperwork and processes are involved in what seems like a no brainer decision). But I can’t say all that without saying one of the greatest joys is seeing a child come to the realization that THEIR voice and feelings matter to you! When they see you stop to listen and validate their feelings and boundaries and advocate for them many feel a level of safety they’ve never experienced!
How do your (biological) kids handle being foster siblings?
Jess: My kids are all in from day one. Just about every placement we’ve had, they’ve been head over heals for. This definitely has pros and cons. The adjustment period at the beginning is usually pretty quick. But saying goodbye is gut wrenching. The losses are deep, and its difficult to maintain the balance of giving them space to feel sad about saying goodbye to someone they love while keeping perspective that saying goodbye means a family succeeded.
Is it scary to be around the (biological) parents?
Jess: So, I’m not going to lie, when we were going through the certification process I really believed that we would have as little to do with the biological parents as possible. I hate that I felt that way, because looking back at my own life, I could have just as easily been in the same position had a few things not worked in my favor at the right time and had I made some different choices at a pivotal time in my life. When we got our first placement, I was so nervous about going to court and having to talk to the biological parents. Come to find out, they were practically kids having just recently aged out of foster care themselves. I’m really glad I came to court curious that day.
Destiney: Not so much, a bit uncomfortable the first meeting or so. I usually try and provide comfort to the parents and reassure them that I will take great care of their child while he/she is in my care.
Elizabeth: I’m a single foster parent and this was one of my fears coming in without a husband. You are never required to visit a biological family member without state supervision. In my year and a half as a foster parent with 5 children, there’s only been one biological parent that I refused to see without state supervision and that was not for fear of my life or the children, but because the case was so complicated and everything needed to be documented and I didn’t want to get into a he said she said issue.
Do you have to have contact with the (biological) family?
Jess: *Have to* or *should you*? Technically speaking, you don’t *have to*, and there has only been one case that I have done this, but you can relay all information through the child’s case manager if you feel that it is necessary. BUT, the more contact you are able to have with the biological family, the better it will be for all parties involved. I find that just treating them like a human being first, opens the door for some helpful conversation. That said, I do use caution when I am getting to know a family, we obviously aren’t trading addresses or anything, but leaving room for relationship (even if the relationship has to be somewhat guarded) can be very beneficial for everyone, including yourself, but especially the kids.
Destiney: I don’t believe you have to, but from experience I think it’s best to have an open line of communication.
Elizabeth: Yes, but the extent varies case to case. Some have calling rights 2x per week plus every other week visits, other cases only have biweekly in person visits, some parents don’t show up for visits consistently.
How do you handle it when kids have to go back to their (biological) families? I just don’t think I can do that.
Jess: So this one is rough. It just is. There’s no way around it. You’ve incorporated a person into your family and for all intents and purposes, they’re your child. But also they’re not. It’s a pretty unique brand of grief, and each person has to learn how to process it in a way that is healthy for them. 6 years and 13 placements into this gig, and we are still learning. You can feel more than one thing at the same time. Joy and grief can sit at the same table.
Destiney: Honestly, it is tough but I accept it as part of the fostering process. We’ve went into each placement with an attitude of reunification as the gaol. So when that time comes, it is bittersweet but we realize that we have served our purpose.
Elizabeth: At this time I’ve only had one reunified baby. It tore me up. I took a break from fostering for a couple of months. When a child leaves my home I always send everything with them, but there is always house work that needs to be done after a placement leaves to make the space feel fresh and new. Then I begin praying for the next child that I will take in.
Why did you want to be a foster parent?
Jess: I’ve already shared this a little, but for the sake of this particular post, the short version is that I’ve always wanted to adopt, but foster care was really more aligned to *why* I wanted to adopt. We didn’t want to take someone’s child, we wanted to be a family for a child who would have otherwise not had one.
Elizabeth: I never wanted to be a foster parent. I have always loved children and thought adoption would be a wonderful way to add to my family but foster care didn’t come into my mind until 2018. I moved into a new job that provides housing and I had a ton of extra room and resources and began praying diligently for God to bring me to my husband and give me a family. I felt His call to BE family in my waiting and surrendered to fostering then.
Do you have any regrets or wish you hadn’t done it?
Jess: Regrets? I don’t know that I would say regret. There’s definitely choices I’d have made differently if I had the same information then as I do now. But at the time I was just doing the best I could with the information I had. I don’t regret saying yes to foster care, but I do wish I had done a better job of making my forever kids feel like a priority. There were definitely times in our journey that they got a little left behind.
Destiney: None whatsoever.
Elizabeth: I have a ton of regrets but fostering isn’t one of them! This is a hard life and there are many times that I feel overwhelmed, inadequate, unprepared, and want to quit but then God didn’t call me to this to be good at it, He called me to be faithful. Now I’m not saying I’m not a good parent but there are times in everything that you wish you could quit. I don’t know many who would say this life is easy, but it’s certainly worth it.
Can single people be foster parents?
Jess: YES!! This is one of the most common questions I get. I know plenty of single foster parents, and there may be times where having a single parent home may be in the best interest of the child. If you are single and interested in foster parenting, go for it!
Destiney: Of course!
Elizabeth: Yes! I’m single, never married. The only rule in regards to this is that you must legally be whatever you are.
Do you need to have a high income to be a foster parent?
Jess: This is another common question. You definitely don’t need to have a high income to be a foster parent. You need to be able to show that you’re able to pay your own bills and maintain a safe living environment, but you do not need to be wealthy.
Destiney: Not at all! You only need to be able to provide prove that you can financially maintain your household.
Elizabeth: High or low income isn’t so much of the questions as means. While foster parents receive a stipend for children in care this isn’t a money making thing or even a full reimbursement so you must show that you have margin with your money to not be financially burdened.
Do you have to own a home to be a foster parent?
Jess: Nope. Again, you need to be able to show that you have a stable residence, but ownership is not required.
Destiney: No, just provide a loving home and atmosphere.
Should I foster while my (biological) kids are young or wait till their older?
Jess: This is a personal choice and what is right for one family may not be right for another. We accepted our first placement when our kids were 3, 5, and 8. There were definitely pros and cons. Juggling extra kids while your kids are young is a lot of extra physical work. Infants and toddlers lack the verbal skills to give you helpful information about what they need. Older kids and teenagers are at a different stage in figuring life out. This will take more thoughtful conversation and creative ways to give freedom while still providing structure and guidance. It really depends on what your skill set is, and what you are comfortable with as a family.
How much does it cost to get certified?
Being certified through DCFS is completely free.
Does the state pay you to be a foster parent?
Jess: No, the state does not pay you to be a foster parent. You do receive a stipend to provide the child’s basic needs. The typical family will still come out of pocket at times for activities or other non-essential expenses.
Destiney: A stipend is provided to care for the child and offset any out-of-pocket expenses.
Elizabeth: As I mentioned before it is a reimbursement so it’s not a extra paycheck. Each age group gets an allotted amount of money each month that covers necessities and you can file forms for an extra money you are charged.
Can you do a closed adoption from foster care?
Jess: Your personal information is up to you how and when you share it. There’s going to be some level of “openness” when adopting through foster care just because you will likely have already met and had a least some level of communication. There may be cases were it would be unsafe or unwise for you to maintain contact with your child’s biological family, but if it’s possible to maintain some level of contact, it’s likely better in the long run for your child.
What if I don’t want to foster, but only want to adopt from foster care?
Jess: It is possible to adopt without fostering. In some cases, a parents rights may be terminated before the child is matched with an adoptive family. The Louisiana Heart Gallery or America’s Kids Belong have profiles of children waiting for adoptive families.
Destiney: In this case, you may wish to welcome children into your home who have already had parental rights terminated. However, even in this case there is a 6 month foster term that must be met prior to adoption being granted. Children eligible for adoption will be listed on sites such as adoptuskids.org or heartgalleryofamerica.org
Can I be a foster parent if I work full time?
Jess: Absolutely! There are many foster parents who also work full time. Daycare can sometimes be a challenge, but it’s absolutely possible.
Destiney: Absolutely!
Elizabeth: Yes! I am a single woman who works full time. It is a challenge at times but I always make sure I have child care arranged before I can accept a placement. In fact, my current placement is a sibling group and when they called 2 children were in school but the third needed daycare and I told them I couldn’t find a daycare with an opening and recruited the caseworker to help find a daycare so I could keep the siblings together. I do have a flexible job that understands I may need to shift my office hours which has been helpful since children have visits, dr appointments, counseling, etc.
Does the state pay for daycare?
Jess: The state does pay for childcare at approved facilities. Again, this can often be a challenge, but it is definitely possible.
Destiney: DCFS does provide childcare assistance. However, not all daycares accept CCAP payments, so be sure to do your research prior to enrollment.
Elizabeth: It depends on your situation. As a single full time working mom the state does pay for daycare but I have to go to certain daycares that take the state rate for children in care. Some daycares will accept the state rate and then require you to pay any difference.